The day of the winter solstice is the longest night of the year. It brings on the cold, dark months of the year. Underground, the earth is sleeping. Animals hibernate. The winter solstice marks an important time of the year…and I just so happened to have a mental breakdown on that very day.
It was December 21st, 2018. I was lower mentally than I’ve ever been. Everything felt dark and sticky like tar. The darkness would latch on to me and not let go. I was taken to the emergency mental health clinic because I was suicidal. I was taken there in the back seat of a Sheriff car. It was horrifying. On my ride there, the mental reel playing in my head sounded like this:
“Emily you are such a burden to your family. You can’t do all the things they need anymore. You’re not energetic anymore. You’re such an ugly, selfish, mean, lazy woman. Your children will grow up remembering their mom who laid in bed many days and said “no, I’m sorry, I just can’t do that today.” You’re ruining their growing up years. Your husband is going to cheat on you because you don’t show him affection and love like you used to. You’re always sick and tired. Literally. You’re a depressive mess. It would be better for everyone if you weren’t around. Look at you, you’re in the back of a Sheriff car for goodness sake. What a mess. You’re such a stupid mess.”
Writing that? So hard.
Because I’m not in that space anymore. Thank the Lord. I’ve sought help. I see a therapist every two weeks. I’m learning so much about what’s going on in my mind. Things I didn’t realize were going on. Like the fact that I’m in a grieving state.
Did you know grief happens for many reasons, not just due to the loss of a loved one…or after a divorce? (Those are the two most common situations people associate with “grieving,” by the way).
I’ll talk more about what grieving has been like for me sometime soon…but not today. Because I recognized something this past week and I wanted to share. I recognized a connection between my mental state and the seasons.
The Spring Equinox, March 20th, 2019, is the day of the year when the day and night are of the exact same length. It signifies the days are getting longer, there’s more light. And I noticed on that day, my mental state had lifted. I could now see a light where before I had only seen darkness. Three months after my mental breakdown…on the Winter Solstice…I noticed my mindset had shifted. My energy had changed. It was almost as if my energy and mindset were in sync with the energy and rhythm of the earth.
The Spring Equinox is the beginning of more light and life. New beginnings and paths. And I see and feel all of that in my future. The depression and anxiety that pushed me over the edge just three months ago has given way to a lightness. To hope. To new beginnings and growth. I am so grateful for this. SO incredibly grateful.
On the darkest day of the year, I was in the darkest place I’d ever been. On the day of the year where light and dark are balanced out, where a renewed sense of energy is ushered in, I am ready to move forward in a new, fresh and positive way.
Just a thought, but what if we all slowed down enough to recognize the impact the seasons have on our spiritual selves? What if we could all be more steady, more aligned and more peaceful? Wouldn’t that be amazing? I’m so grateful for the insight I’ve had this week. I’m so hopeful for the future…and I have absolutely no idea what it holds for the first time in my life. So I will cling to this new energy of positive growth and renewal and remember that though there may come dark days and dark times, they do not stay.